Soft Yet Strong

Image: Jon Tyson

It is said that one of the most effective ways of learning is through stories. In most Buddhist traditions, the teachers have what they call “teaching stories”. I remember growing up in the Luthern tradition with stories of Jesus meant to help teach us values and morals and connections. A few weeks back in the morning Gentle Class, I shared a story of my own that I hope can be a “teaching story” simply by way of example.

As most of you know I moved to Walla Walla at the beginning of June. I hit the ground running… I had to get my classes up and running ASAP in order to get some income coming in. In addition to starting up my business there was unpacking boxes and all the chaos that a major move and “starting a new job” can bring about. Even though I lived here about 1 1/2 years ago, my business is not the same. and so I wanted to meet with my wonderful Life Coach, Terri Cotts to figure out what I wanted this chapter of my business to look like as it seems like the perfect time to cultivate that.

As the conversation went along, I started to realize that I was back in the land of hustling that I know so well. Especially as a free lancer and small business owner - there is this scarcity mentality that the over culture pushes and so it’s trying to hustle and make as much money as I can with as many jobs as I need to make that happen. I don’t have a ton of money after only working part-time while being back home with Mama B and the fam and so I had better get moving and make some!

But here’s the rub, I didn’t want to be hustling. Especially not the month of July. A Friend asked me to housesit her BEAUTIFUL studio space for her. Although I originally thought it might be too much moving around, I sat with the decision and clarity came that one of the things I have been craving more than anything else is solitude and a bit of time. I had told myself that for the month of July while in the studio, I wanted to use the time wisely to process, digest, and integrate all that has happened in the past 2 years-ish.

As I was talking to Terri about my business and listing off the 25 things I am doing and will do and could do…. My shoulders are up in my ears and I’m getting upset about which way to go when it hits me… I don’t want to be doing all of this right now! This is the time I am suppose to be using my solitude and time to be productive in another way. To rest and to rejuvenate this body that for months now has been telling me that it’s moving towards an immune-compromised illness. To play, because when you’re going through major loss - that is hard to find, but necessary for the soul. About a minute after that hits me, I realize that there is a major obstacle in the way. It’s an old belief of mine I have struggled with many times in my life.

“I am afraid that people will think I am not a productive member of society.” “That I am lazy, a mooch.” ‘That being an able bodied person I should have chosen a different career with more stability.” (and it goes on)

One of the things I love about working with Terri is that she is so great at helping me find the beliefs and thoughts that are holding me back and she is even better at busting the myth of it wide open and reframing it. After working with her on it she helped me come back and my belief became:

“It doesn't matter if people judge me for taking time for myself.”

We broke down why that is. Those reasons were:

I am a better teacher and member of society if I take time for myself.
I am an example of another way of being.
I could inspire others.
If I don't take time, I burn out.
I don't want to end up ill.
It is important for my wellness.
It's their projection and bullshit, not mine.
It's my life and they can't know what is right for me.

The stuff that hit me deeper was the fact that I’m happy with my life choices. That I don’t need other people to approve of my choices. That it’s okay to live differently. That I’m not going to be healthy if I don’t give myself time to digest and integrate everything that happened.

The reason that struck me the deepest of all and had me crying was the fact that if I choose rest and play over the grindstone culture, I can show other people there is another way of being by being an example. If I choose to go through the tough emotions - I show others that they can too instead of just numbing the pain or “getting over it already”.

Do you remember a couple of musings back when I told ya that my mantra is “This shit is hard.” Yeah, well it’s still hard. Just because Mama B and Hunter died - the hard isn’t done. It’s just changed. Now instead of knowing they are sick and going to die sometime soon, I’m dealing with the actual loss. Unlike what our over culture tries to tell you - there is no time line for this. Now that I have some physical distance and some solitude… I can give myself the grace to go through processing the next layer.

The next layer? Yeah, the next layer - Of watching loved ones die. Of leaving loved ones behind (once moving to Red Wing and again moving to Walla Walla). Of the loss of my business. Of the hard work of trying to build that business back up. Of moving back to the Upper Midwest to be near my Family Of Origin where there were many shadows and dark places for me to shine light on. Of trying to break old patterns that no longer serve me. Shall I go on? I could, but I think you get the picture.

But we don’t have to have that much happen for it to be okay to take some time to ourselves. Looking back, I’ve always had a hard time taking vacations or taking time off work to grieve or taking time off work for a mental health day or “taking time off of work” for just about anything!!!! I’ve always been concerned that others would judge me and think I’m a slacker and that I’m lazy. That I’m a burden on society. This is even though I’ve almost always worked well over 40 hours a week (more like 80 with all my various jobs). I’m saying that part to show how strongly we are brainwashed into believing that we have to make lots of money and aquire lots of things or we are not a productive member of society.

This has been a life long struggle for me. I thought I had gotten somewhere with it and learned how to slow down and care for myself… and to be fair I have. But I still have moments where I get caught up in it. That is how deeply it’s engrained in me. So I can’t thank Terri enough for helping me figure that out and helping me find clarity and resolve.

In order to be a productive, healthy, well person in this society - what I needed in July was not work and money. I needed rest and play. So if you are wondering why you didn’t hear from me…. well… there ya have it. Self-Care July!

As far as CJoy Yoga….

1) We will still have our 5 weekly classes which are available in-person or on Zoom (Patreon.com/cjoyyoga or you can buy individual classes here). We will be on break from Tuesday, August 13 - Saturday, August 24. All classes will then resume at First Congregation Church on Tuesday, August 27.

T/Th/Sat ~ 8:30am-9:30am Pacific ~ All Levels
Wed/Fri ~ 10:00am-11:00am Pacific ~ Gentle

2) I have plans for publishing 7 - 20ish mintues videos about main Energy Centers of the body (Chakras). I made them while I was living at the studio with friend’s help and just have to edit them and post them on Patreon. You won’t have to be a member to purchase them so that is pretty cool.

3) I’m starting to teach more about the Locks (Bandhas). I want to try to offer some online specialty workshops as well as some in-person ones here and there.

4) Above all, I am trying to manifest private clients as that is my one true love in this life. I like teaching public classes (the healing and community it creates). But I LOVE teaching individuals in their own space and time. Each body is like it’s own puzzle that I get to help a client figure out how the pieces fit together so they can be more at home in the body they have. BTW - I can and do teach privates online in case you’re wondering/interested.

Word of mouth is my best friend BTW - feel free to pass my info on to anyone you think might be interested!

But that can all happen slowly without having to grind it out, all at one time, at this moment. I’d love to see you in any of the classes listed above if you are so inclined. Otherwise hold tight and I will have future offerings starting near the end August-ish when I get back to town/work :-)

I shared this not to sell myself, but in hopes that if anyone else gets caught up in the grindstone culture and desires some space to slow down… it can be done. And to remind you yet again that you are not alone. Even this chic who tries to teach all y’all not to get caught up in being “productive” and to avoid the capitalist mindset - even I get caught up in it. I'd like to think I’m not a hypocrite, but rather an example who put herself out there so we can all learn.

May we not cause ourselves suffering by worrying about the judgement of others.
May we give ourselves permission to take time off, to slow down, to say no so we can tend to ourselves.
May we realized old beliefs when they no longer serve us and reframe them into something that is beneficial and that we can use to promote our health and wellness.

Yeah, those are some of my wishes for us!

Oh, and may you be well :-)

Sweet Pea Johnson